Ready Steady Cook

 

 

Publisher: Mindscape

Developer: Sanuk Games
Format: Wii, DS

Available: Now     PMUK Blog Ready Steady Cook


If you thought the TV show was bad, then prepare yourself for the game!


 

To be honest, although the TV show, Ready, Steady Cook, was truly toe-curlingly awful, I still enjoyed it. Regardless of the appalling gags, the forced fun, the cheesiness, the terrible scripting, the dour guests and the sickening Ainsley Harriot, I still used to tune in at 4:30pm every afternoon to have a watch. Like Status Quo, it was a guilty pleasure that you’d never admit to enjoying. But this new game for the Wii and DS is far worse than the TV show, Far, FAR worse.


 

Within seconds of loading up Ready Steady Cook, either on the Wii or DS, (they should have called it Ready, Steady Wii, snigger….OK just me) you’ll know straight away that this game is a stinker. The graphics, even for the Wii, are dire, the presentation as a whole is utterly dreadful, the music is repetitive, the controls are lazy and numb, and the gameplay is intensely boring. Everything is rubbish, there’s no other word for it. Well there is, but I can’t use it. To give you an idea of how pathetic Ready, Steady Cook is, let me guide you through a quick gaming recipe.


 

You start by picking your chef for the show. Ah great you’re thinking, all the Ready, Steady Cook greats will be here. Brian Turner, AWT, Nick Nairn; the characters that made the show the success it was. Well guess what, none of the actual chefs from the show are here. Instead it’s just a pc-happy lineup of five cartoon chefs. What a kick in the spuds.


Once you’ve picked a chef, you pick the difficulty setting, a bag of ingredients and then what recipe you are going to cook. Once that’s done (assuming you haven’t already shot yourself) the ‘fun’ starts. I say fun; I mean mental and physical torture.


The object of the first ‘game’ is to pick the ingredients off the shelf. With each little mini game you get a timer, which gives you roughly 30 seconds to complete each task. So you pick the items off the shelf (which is harder than it sounds as everything looks the same) then move on to the next stage. Next, let’s prepare the ingredients. So now you have to chop up a tomato, which is easy enough. There’s no skill involved in this, you don’t have to line the knife up with the tomato or twist the remote to keep the blade at the correct angle, oh no, that would actually be slightly enjoyable. All you have to do is swing the Wii remote up and down with all the poise and precision of a baby with a rattle. What fun.


Next you need to grate some garlic. So you get the biggest lump of garlic you’ve ever seen (judging by the size of the grater, it must be about the size of a large apple) and, while performing the now legendary ‘Wii w**k’ maneuver, you grate up enough garlic to kill a horse. Also, a chilly needs cleaning, because for some reason it’s covered in little dots. So you wave the Wii remote around without any real purpose, and the white dot disease goes away. This is supposed to be fun, right?


Now we need to mix up our ingredients. When prompted, you have to add each ingredient and mix them in the bowl. This is harder than it sounds, as actually getting the spoon to respond to the remote is nearly impossible. You’re asked to rotate the remote clockwise, but no matter how you twist the remote, nothing happens. After much frustration you’ll be angrily throwing your arms around in every know movement, just to get some sort of response, but still nothing happens. Once the time is up, the cartoon chef will pop up and patronize you, saying ‘It’s OK, I’ll do this for you.’, as if you’re handicapped in some way. But wait, there’s more to do!


Now let’s fry our food. I can’t be bothered to describe what happens, as there’s nothing worth saying. All that I will say is that you might as well just sit back during this game and watch your food burn to ash, as the controls are utterly unusable. Once the chef has put the fire out, the last task is to give your food a quick dusting with some icing sugar. Again, the controls are insane, and in this case, astronomically twitchy. Even the slightest tilt of the Wii remote will send icing sugar all over the place. Again, the chef pops up and takes over.


At this point you just don’t care anymore. You’ve just had to play through ten mini games that would offend a toddler, your arms ache and you’ve lost the will to live. Well at least now you can drink in the rewards you undoubtedly deserve. As in the show, your meal is judged by the audience, against the competing kitchen. Now you’re presented with a screen showing both yours and the other kitchens meals, and the comments regarding them. After all this torrid gameplay, the least you’d expect is a little video, or a fireworks display as a reward. But nay, all you get is a sentence like’ This tastes nice’ or ‘This could be nicer’. Thanks. Then the audience cast their votes on today’s proceedings. Unless you’ve made a cake in the shape of swastika, or you’ve stabbed the chef in the face, you won’t lose, and you’ll be presented with the Ready, Steady Cook plate; that looks like a medal. You’ll also unlock a new dish, but I don’t think you’ll give a solitary at this point.


So there we have it, Ready, Steady Cook, the game; a game that you should avoid at all costs, regardless of your mental wellbeing. This has to be one of the worst games I have ever played. There is nothing I can praise about this piece of joyless torture, it’s just utterly appalling. What I will do though is leave you with this review of, Ready, Steady Cook, the game, from Amazon that is not only pointless, but also hilarious.


“I was on Ready Steady Cook back in 1997. Fern was lovely though Nick Nairn was going through a messy divorce and was wearing too much fake tan. I drank my way through most of the programme and still walked off with the money. Its all filmed in a portacabin behind Heathrow Airport next to an old folks home, which is where they get the audience from. I only hope the game is as memorable. Virtual shopping bags of virtual food. Virtually cooked in virtually twenty minutes!!!!”

 

Thanks pete ‘big blue’ pete, for this utterly pointless summing up.

 


Presentation: 5/20
Story: 0/20

Controls: 2/20
Gameplay: 3/20
Durability: 2/20

Rating: 11/100

 

 

 

Scott Tierney

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